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motherhood

Paisley is ONE.

So here we are. An entire year since Paisley was born and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a total mess. Time is a thief and I’m having a hard time accepting that the little 7lb 4oz baby that I gave birth to is now a toddler. It just isn’t fair. Where did the time go? I want it back, NOW.

The first couple months were just a complete haze for me and I almost have mom guilt because of it. Why can’t I remember every single little detail? You become so consumed in what is taking place that very moment that you forget how significant what you’re currently going through really is. I didn’t get the birth I had planned on but ended up getting something even better. Then I struggled with breastfeeding during that first week (as most first time moms do) and an over supply that left me having to pump numerous times a day. This ended up being a blessing because I was able to donate thousands of ounces to other mommies and babies in need. Then came the sleep deprivation associated with a newborn. My husband went back to work a few days after she was born. We had financial problems. We moved into a new house when she was just 5 weeks old. Then my supply dipped or leveled out whichever you’d like to call it. After that I was finally able to get her sleep trained by driving her around for hours in her carseat at 2 am. Her and I finally got a nursing routine down pat and right along with it a nap time routine as well.

Everything was hard but easy at the same time. I healed no problem and she never had any post-natal issues either. The things that were difficult didn’t last very long and as an entire little family of three we slipped into almost a smooth trans of figuring out this new life. I was so stinking nervous after I had her. She would cry and then I would cry. She would cry and milk would leak down my clothes. She would cry and…..I realized my entire life was going to be completely different from here on out. I would look in my rear view mirror at her in her little car seat, surrounded by newborn support pads and her little tiny binky that she didn’t really like and I could feel my heart melting into a puddle. This tiny little human being that my husband and I created was completely and totally my responsibility. She was so small but yet she was my entire life. This was an amazing concept to wrap my mind around and to this day it baffles me.

I look at her now in her big girl car seat, smiling at me with 3 little teeth freshly emerged from swollen pink gums, blonde hair that matches mine covers her beautiful blue eyes and I can’t help but think–why me? How did I get so lucky? How can I possibly deserve this little girl who is also my best friend? Yes, she challenges me on a daily basis. Yes, I sometimes complain a lot because I’m tired or rundown or because she has wasted every bit of food I’ve given her or she’s thrown up AGAIN all over my bed from teething so badly.

But, theres no way EVER EVER EVER I would trade it for anything else. She chose me and I her. She was the missing piece of my heart I would pray to God for every night when I was at my lowest point. I’m not very religious, but I was at a low point and felt like I needed guidance. I would cry out to Him “I’m so lonely, I’m lost, I’m scared, I don’t know who I am, please help me, I need someone or something I just don’t know who or what or how or why…..please fill this void in my soul”. And there she was, staring at me from the skin on my chest. Her big eyes looking at me because she just knew. She knew I needed her like she needed me. We completed each other. I found my someone, my something, my who, my what, my how and my why–my forever and my always.

I love you Paisley Willow.

Thank you for coming into my life and making it into something I never even imagined it could be. I hope that everyday I make you proud and I never ever want to let you down. On my weakest days you make me strong. On my saddest days, you make me laugh. And on my lowest days, you lift me up–so, so high. You give me the strength to move forward like no one else has. Happy First Birthday my sweet baby girl.

with all the love in my heart, your mommy.

P.S. I feel like I could write an entire book about how transforming motherhood has been for me and even at this point (after writing everything above) I feel like I’ve left out so much. But I can’t wait to fill in any gaps when I share with you all my birth story. It’s something I’ve been wanting to write about for quite some time and I finally feel like I am ready to share it.

Chalk Paint

So “De-” stressed.

I know what you’re probably thinking, what does “So Distressed” even mean? Well, the idea behind this came to me when I realized in my vlogs that I would always refer to each piece that I finished as being “so distressed”. Then it hit me. I’m out here painting this furniture not only because it’s something I like to do or because I make money from it but because it’s a way for me to relax and destress from a long day. It’s a way for me to get a little me time, catch up on my podcasts that I love to listen to (current favs are YogaGirl & Dana Falsetti ) and just really zone out from the world. I could sit there with my baby monitor, a glass of sweet tea (or wine, coffee, etc..) and my phone on speaker as I just really spaced out and tuned in to what was going on in my own brain.

I think that’s something that I really miss from my past life. Just having that time and space to think. To create a thought in my brain, turn it into a plan and immediately have the ability to apply forward moving action to it. Now I think “Hey girl, you should probably get some groceries”, then I make a plan to go there but first lemme change Paisley, nurse her, put fresh clothes on her, make sure the iPad is charged, sippy cup is full, snack container is fresh, where’s the diaper bag? Am I wearing a bra? Oh crap, I’m almost to the store, have I not been wearing shoes this whole time?

Yeah, that’s literally what happened to me the other day.

As moms (and just regular human beings really), we become so bogged down with everything that is going on in life. We have to make the money, pay the bills, run here, run there, post a perfect picture, change diapers, etc etc etc. But I feel like if each of us took the time to make sure we were devoting at least 5-10 mins of our day to just pause, take a deep breath and regroup, we could really manifest so much abundance out of our day in that short period of time. I like to do this during nap-times or when I’m about to paint. It’s the secret to my (most of the time) sanity and the reason I am able to sit here at 10:30 in the evening and type this.

All in all, I created this website “So Distressed” because I’m hoping it will blossom into something amazing. My way of sharing real moments that happen to me while traveling down my motherhood path but also showing you one way that I am able to find time for myself to relax which is through my painting and creating. And no, I’m not a professional artist or anything. I’m the furthest thing from creative. One of my sisters got hit with that stick (seriously, she’s so talented) haha. I just have an inert passion for making old things beautiful again and I love that every piece tells it’s own story. That’s why we’re all here you know, to tell our stories. Our stories are our lives and it’s the reason why I’m siting here writing this right now.

x. chloe.

First Post!

My First Post…(getting out of my own way)

Wow. I can’t believe I’m finally doing a blog post. Let me be honest, (because just a little warning, this page will be honest AF) I have no clue what I’m doing. Which is probably why I have been putting this off for so long. I’ve always wanted to do a blog page but I didn’t think I had a voice or that anyone would even care what I had to say. But come to find out, my beautiful followers love my honest posts. So with that I hope to further my connection with you all and share a few different aspects about my life in more than the limiting number of characters that are allowed within a caption on Instagram. What I’m hoping to accomplish with this blog is to shed some light on the struggles of motherhood along with its’ beauty and my own personal journey of being a first time mom to my beautiful daughter, Paisley (who is currently 10 months old). I’m wanting to also do some critical thinking in regards to self love, body positivity and the importance of questioning everything.

Also, I’d like to dig deeper into why I named my website “So Distressed” by sharing with you all my new favorite love, breathing life into old and forgotten pieces of furniture. It’s the thing I’m most obsessed with lately and I want to show you all the wonderful things that I love about painting, distressing and DIYing things as a full time mom. Yes, I’ve become one of “those” people that dreams of chippy paint, barn wood and picking junk at the thrift stores {yay}.

I didn’t even know that blogs really existed until recently and I definitely didn’t have any clue that we as mothers had time to read them. But I’m crossing my fingers that you’ll sit down with a glass of wine (or coffee) and this will be your new guilty pleasure! Hopefully some of these things interest, inspire and motivate your soul and you will stick around to hear what I have to say. I genuinely care about every single person that takes the time to read my posts on Instagram and if even one thing that I share affects somebody somewhere in some positive way then I know that what I’m doing has meaning and purpose. Thank you so much if you’re still listening and bear with me as I figure all of this blogging stuff out, haha. I can’t wait to get this thing started! Amazing, wonderful, BEAUTIFUL things are on the way.

P.S. you’re one of them.

light + love, chloe.