motherhood

Paisley is ONE.

So here we are. An entire year since Paisley was born and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a total mess. Time is a thief and I’m having a hard time accepting that the little 7lb 4oz baby that I gave birth to is now a toddler. It just isn’t fair. Where did the time go? I want it back, NOW.

The first couple months were just a complete haze for me and I almost have mom guilt because of it. Why can’t I remember every single little detail? You become so consumed in what is taking place that very moment that you forget how significant what you’re currently going through really is. I didn’t get the birth I had planned on but ended up getting something even better. Then I struggled with breastfeeding during that first week (as most first time moms do) and an over supply that left me having to pump numerous times a day. This ended up being a blessing because I was able to donate thousands of ounces to other mommies and babies in need. Then came the sleep deprivation associated with a newborn. My husband went back to work a few days after she was born. We had financial problems. We moved into a new house when she was just 5 weeks old. Then my supply dipped or leveled out whichever you’d like to call it. After that I was finally able to get her sleep trained by driving her around for hours in her carseat at 2 am. Her and I finally got a nursing routine down pat and right along with it a nap time routine as well.

Everything was hard but easy at the same time. I healed no problem and she never had any post-natal issues either. The things that were difficult didn’t last very long and as an entire little family of three we slipped into almost a smooth trans of figuring out this new life. I was so stinking nervous after I had her. She would cry and then I would cry. She would cry and milk would leak down my clothes. She would cry and…..I realized my entire life was going to be completely different from here on out. I would look in my rear view mirror at her in her little car seat, surrounded by newborn support pads and her little tiny binky that she didn’t really like and I could feel my heart melting into a puddle. This tiny little human being that my husband and I created was completely and totally my responsibility. She was so small but yet she was my entire life. This was an amazing concept to wrap my mind around and to this day it baffles me.

I look at her now in her big girl car seat, smiling at me with 3 little teeth freshly emerged from swollen pink gums, blonde hair that matches mine covers her beautiful blue eyes and I can’t help but think–why me? How did I get so lucky? How can I possibly deserve this little girl who is also my best friend? Yes, she challenges me on a daily basis. Yes, I sometimes complain a lot because I’m tired or rundown or because she has wasted every bit of food I’ve given her or she’s thrown up AGAIN all over my bed from teething so badly.

But, theres no way EVER EVER EVER I would trade it for anything else. She chose me and I her. She was the missing piece of my heart I would pray to God for every night when I was at my lowest point. I’m not very religious, but I was at a low point and felt like I needed guidance. I would cry out to Him “I’m so lonely, I’m lost, I’m scared, I don’t know who I am, please help me, I need someone or something I just don’t know who or what or how or why…..please fill this void in my soul”. And there she was, staring at me from the skin on my chest. Her big eyes looking at me because she just knew. She knew I needed her like she needed me. We completed each other. I found my someone, my something, my who, my what, my how and my why–my forever and my always.

I love you Paisley Willow.

Thank you for coming into my life and making it into something I never even imagined it could be. I hope that everyday I make you proud and I never ever want to let you down. On my weakest days you make me strong. On my saddest days, you make me laugh. And on my lowest days, you lift me up–so, so high. You give me the strength to move forward like no one else has. Happy First Birthday my sweet baby girl.

with all the love in my heart, your mommy.

P.S. I feel like I could write an entire book about how transforming motherhood has been for me and even at this point (after writing everything above) I feel like I’ve left out so much. But I can’t wait to fill in any gaps when I share with you all my birth story. It’s something I’ve been wanting to write about for quite some time and I finally feel like I am ready to share it.

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